What The Heart Leaves Behind
by Abilene Keegan
Summary: An unlikely version on the Luka/Abby/Carter story of season eight.
1. Chapter 1

What The Heart Leave Behind

**W h a tT h eH e a r tL e a v e sB e h i n d**

B yA b i l e n eK e e g a n

**~ 1 ~**

Abby had stood up on that roof many times before.Watching the city below as it went about life.She'd wonder how many people down there were about to get into an accident.How many were going to be rushed into the ER?How many were going to die?She had no answers to these questions but what she did know for sure was that none of them would ever see it coming.Nobody ever did.Not once would a person wake up in the morning and get into their car all the while knowing they were about to have a head on collision with another car.No, those were just the unpredictable cards life dealt you.

A good example of this was Abby herself.When she'd woken up this morning she hadn't know she'd find herself up on this roof for the millionth time.She hadn't known as she leaned closer and closer to the edge that she'd be considering jumping.Or more like falling.All she'd have to do was lean over far enough, accidentally lose her balance, and then it would be over.Just as she truly was contemplating the idea two arms wrapped around her waist gently and pulled her back.Abby turned around and buried her face into Luka's chest as she began to sob.

----

Luka held onto his trembling girlfriend tightly.He didn't know what was going on or why she was crying.He'd seen her head up to the roof about thirty minutes ago after she'd arrived at the hospital.Her shift was supposed to start at one and it was already nearly two o'clock.It was neither like Abby to be late nor to neglect her duties once she was at the hospital.He was glad that Kerry wasn't there yet and he was in charge of the ER for the time being.

He'd come up here, after informing both Randi and Malucci to page him if anything remotely important happened downstairs, expecting to find Abby sick or something.Or something was right and he'd been the one that had nearly gotten sick.What he'd seen was the last thing he'd expected.His most beloved girlfriend was dangling way to close to the edge of the building.To his dismay she seemed only to be getting closer with every second.He'd quickly made his way over to her and, without startling her, grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back.He was relieved when she was safely in his arms but panicked again when she began to cry.Abby didn't cry.Not in front of him.Not in front of anybody.

"Abby?"He whispered gently as he looked down at the top of her head."Abby, what's wrong?"

----

Abby wrapped her arms around Luka tightly bringing herself as close to him as she could.Seeking both shelter and comfort in his embrace.She knew that for the time being he'd give it to her.But once he knew... he'd turn away and he'd never even look at her again.Let alone hold her or love her.She didn't ever want to lose this moment.She couldn't lose it.Because she loved him and if she found a way to continue living in her soon to be darkened world then this moment would be her only light.

This was different then all the other times he had held her.This was far more important then all the times he'd made love to her.For this was the first time she'd ever embraced him while knowing that she loved him.And it would be the last.

----

"Abby," He spoke as he rubbed her back gently."Please tell me what's wrong."He was very scared now.Scared at what this could all mean.Had he just watched his girlfriend try and commit suicide?Should he maybe take her downstairs and quietly call psyche to come evaluate her, to talk to her if nothing else?If she wouldn't talk to him then he feared he'd have to do just that.Because he was now afraid for her own safety.

"Abby?"He tried again and this time she pulled away from him slightly and looked up at his face.Her brown eyes showed of more pain then he'd ever seen in them before.Or at least paid enough attention to notice.He wanted to wipe away her tears but at the same time he didn't want to let her out of his arms.Since he was sure he had just almost witnessed her jump off a roof he decided to continue holding her.

"I'm sorry."She whispered as she tried to back away.He wouldn't let her go.

"Sweetie," Now there was a term of affection he'd never used before."Don't be sorry, just tell me what's wrong."Her eyes filled with new shed tears as she tried once again, unsuccessfully, to pull away.

"Luka please let me go."She begged him and though his heart ached at the prospect of doing so he let her go.He could never do anything she didn't want him to do.Especially after she'd voiced it loud and clear.

"Abby tell me what's going on?"He watched her carefully as she took a few steps away from him.He was afraid she might actually try and jump even with him right there.

"I don't know."She was lying and he knew it.God, why wouldn't she just talk to him for once?

"Abby."He walked closer to her."Please, talk to me."

"Do you love me Luka?"Luka's heart melted.He'd waited a long time to be able to tell her this.He'd just needed to know that she was ready to hear it.Is this why she was so upset?Because she thought he didn't love her?He could see how that might hurt her but cause her to commit suicide.That was unlikely.More likely was that this was simply the heart of the matter.He smiled down at her softly and wiped away a few tears.

"Of course I love you Abby."The reply he got back was one that would succeed only in breaking his heart.

"I slept with him Luka."

----

Abby just couldn't hold it back anymore.She had to tell him.It hurt too much not to.She knew it was selfish.She was only telling him to make herself feel better.But it wasn't turning out that way.At first his face held only surprise.Then pain.Then sheer anguish.

"You... you what?"She began crying again.God, she didn't want to hurt him.She'd never wanted to hurt him.But apparently last night that hadn't mattered to her.

"I slept with John."Now his face showed only rage.But she wasn't afraid of him.Even if he would hurt her she'd only deserve it.The rage wasn't only for her though, it was for Carter."Luka, I am so sorry."She pleaded with him knowing it wouldn't do any good.He turned around and began walking away.

"Luka I love you.I'm so sorry."The door to the roof slammed shut.Leaving her utterly physically and emotionally alone.

--------------------

**End** of Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **Okay, I know this story was a bit, if not totally, uncharacteristic of Abby and not even I believe she'd really ever do what is written in it.So, please do not flame me telling me that this could never happen on the real show.I already know that. :-)I'm only having some fun here.

**Disclaimer: **The above was a story of fiction based on characters created and owned by Michael Crichton and NBC.


	2. Chapter 2

What The Heart Left Behind

**W h a t T h e H e a r t L e a v e s B e h i n d**

B y A b i l e n e K e e g a n

**~ 2 ~**

Luka stormed through the door and down the stairs leaving Abby on the roof alone.A part of him was still worried she might actually jump but mostly his heart had already numbed too much to care anymore.He tried desperately to control his emotions as he walked back into the ER.He failed miserably.

"Luka."He swung around and faced the unsuspecting doctor.

"What?"Luka barked loudly at Malucci who stopped dead in his tracks and stared at him uncertainly.That was a first, Luka thought to himself, Dave Malucci speechless.

"There, um, is an MVA coming in."Luka wondered if he had spoken the word that harshly or if the young doctor could actually feel the rage coming off him.Most likely the later was true.

"Is it major?"He asked ruthlessly.

"Um minor, I believe."If Luka weren't in a total rage at the moment he'd be laughing at Dave's scared demeanor.

"How many?"

"Only one."Luka looked at him fumingly.One!

"Did you go to medical school Malucci?"

"Ah yeah."By now Luka noticed patients and other staff members watching the ordeal between the two doctors.He didn't care.

"Six years?"Malucci only nodded."And you graduated?"Another nod.Luka began walking away and towards the lounge."Then you figure it out!"He called behind him as he entered the lounge slamming the door shut.

--------------------

On the roof Abby was still crying.She was trying desperately to figure out a way to pull her life back together.To get over this pain.Only problem was it wasn't just her life.It was Luka's as well.She hadn't just shattered the pieces of her own world.She'd shattered the pieces of his also.She sank to the ground and pulled her legs up to her chest hugging them tightly.She felt the coldness of the brick wall against her back as it seeped through her clothing.Abby knew that the wall was the only barrier keeping her from tumbling many stories down to her death.She thought it humorous really.A person trying to commit suicide in the one place they'd have the most chance of saving you.But they wouldn't be able to save her.No doubt they'd try.But they'd never succeed.She began wishing the wall would give way and just kill her itself.

She still couldn't believe she'd done it.She'd gone there to talk with Carter.She wasn't sure why she'd even done that.Or maybe she was.The answers were all in her head she was sure of it.She just wasn't ready to face them.Or at least to think about them.All she wanted was to go back in time and change the mistake that had cost her a life of happiness.A life with Luka.She wondered if this is why H.G. Wells had written _The Time Machine_.Had he really just wanted to travel back in time to find a love he'd thrown away?She couldn't imagine that the prospect of seeing the future was greater then the prospect of retreating a moment in the past where your entire life fell apart.

She wanted that moment back.She wanted Luka back.

--------------------

Luka sank to the couch and buried his face in his hands.His emotions were a mixture of rage and grief, almost like his heart couldn't decide which sentiment to fall back on.Perhaps it was better that way.An equal balance of two emotions.Only a single emotion to dwell on might very well destroy him.

It was still hard for him to believe that this was happening.It was something he'd never have predicted from Abby.She'd spent many nights alone since they'd been together.Not one of those nights had it ever occurred to Luka that she might not really be alone.There was no reason for him to think that.He'd trusted her with all his heart.No matter how much time she may have spent with Carter Luka had always trusted it would never go beyond friendship.At least not as long as she was still seeing him.The thought of her sleeping with Carter made him feel physically ill.

Luka could hear the sirens of the oncoming ambulance as it approached the hospital.He knew he had to get back out there.As much as he wanted nothing more then to simply leave this hospital behind, memories of Abby and all, he knew he couldn't.He had a career here and people that depended on him.Sighing he stood up from the couch.At that same moment the door to the lounge opened and, to Luka's surprise and equal rage, Carter walked in.

He watched Carter as Carter watched him.Clearly neither were sure how to react to this situation.Luka wondered whether or not Carter even knew that Abby had spoken to him.That she'd told him all about their little affair.

"Um, hi Luka."That was all it took.Luka plunged at Carter and threw him up against the wall.He punched him as hard as he could in the jaw before punching him just as hard in the stomach.The man doubled over in pain.Luka didn't feel any better.He was about to go after him again when he felt somebody trying to pull him back.

"Luka stop!"Luka stopped immediately and looked over at Kerry.Out of all the people that could have walked into that room it had to be the ER chief.Before she could say anything to him or question what had just happened Luka stormed out of the room and then out of the hospital.He didn't care anymore that he had a job to do.He just had to get out of there.

--------------------

"He just hit you?"Abby asked Carter as she paced back and force through the lounge.She supposed she wasn't too surprised to hear that Luka had attacked Carter.She should have expected it.

"Yeah, he just hit me."Was Carters angry reply as he sat attending to his swollen jaw with a wet cloth and some ice.Abby stopped pacing and stood in front of him.He wasn't too hurt, Abby knew it could be worse.

"You didn't do anything to provoke him?Didn't say anything?"Carter looked up at her and she knew it was a stupid question.

"Like he didn't already have enough provoking him."Abby sighed and sat down on the chair across from her friend.At least she hoped he was still her friend.Though she doubted they would be for very long.

"What did you tell Kerry?"She was very worried of how the hospital staff was going to react to this.She knew Luka was now in a lot of trouble as far as his position at the hospital went.Hitting a coworker was not something to be taken lightly.She felt terrible, this was all her fault.If she had any more tears left to cry she was certain she'd be bawling right now.

"I didn't tell her anything Abby."His voice was a little softer now."Why the hell didn't you tell me that you were going to tell Luka about us?"Abby just stared at him blankly for a moment.Oh God, didn't he know.

"Us?John there is no us.I thought I'd explained this all to you this morning."

"Actually you didn't explain very much at all."He was angry now, she could hear it in his voice. But he was also hurt.

"John it was a mistake and I'm sorry.I'm sorry I went to you last night, I shouldn't have."He looked at her with hate reflected in his eyes.Abby had to look away and so she found herself staring at the floor."I love Luka.I can't be with you John."

Abby stood up and walked out of the lounge.She knew she had just broken yet another mans heart.Right now though all that was important to her was trying to help Luka.She had to find Kerry.

--------------------

_...the next day..._

Luka stormed out of the room and down the hall.It certainly hadn't taken them much time to decide what should be done with him.In truth he neither blamed them nor did he really care.He was just glad that it was over with and that their deliberations really hadn't taken very long.

"Luka."He heard Kerry call from behind him but he just kept on walking.The least he could do was pretend like he was mad."Luka."Kerry was a few strides behind him."Abby told me what happened and it did help our decision."He stopped and looked down at her in astonishment.

"Abby told you."He winced at the sound her name had on his own lips. He made a mental note never to say it again.

"Yes, she told us. Things could have been a lot worse for you if she hadn't."Luka was very surprised that Abby would not only risk her own reputation at the hospital but her beloved Carters as well.He chose not to comment on this though and continued walking down the hall.To his relief Kerry chose not follow him this time.

As he headed towards the exit he wasn't sure where he would go or what he would do from here.He was just glad to finally be able to leave this place behind.If only for a short while.

"Luka."He ignored her all together as he walked towards the emergency doors."Luka please tell me what happened?"Luka figured it couldn't hurt.Besides maybe she'd actually feel guilty about it.Maybe it would cause her some more pain.He didn't see why he should be the only one feeling pain when it was her who'd done this all in the first place.

"I've been suspended."With that he walked through the doors and out into the ambulance bay.

--------------------

**End** of Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Although I started this series a while ago this is all I've been able to come up with thus far.The rest is still being worked out in my head so please be patient with me as I write up the new Chapters.The good news is that I pretty much have it all worked out in my head so it shouldn't take too long for me to write it down.The bad news is that I'm currently writing another series (or is this good news also) that just won't leave my head so I've got to get it written too.So much to do, so little time to do it.:)I may be posting parts of that other series soon, so keep an eye out if you're interested.

**Disclaimer: **The following is a story of fiction based on characters created and owned by Michael Crichton and NBC.


	3. Chapter 3

W h a t T h e H e a r t L e a v e s B e h i n d

**W h a tT h eH e a r tL e a v e sB e h i n d**

B yA b i l e n eK e e g a n

**~ 3 ~**

** **

** **

Abby wasn't about to give up that easily.She quickly rushed after Luka and out the emergency doors that she had always suspected they weren't really supposed to be using.Luka's height had always been something that Abby liked about him.His towering stature had always made her feel very safe.But in the case of trying to catch up with him his long lags made things very irritating.As he was very near impossible to catch up to.

"Luka please stop.Can't we at least talk about this?"That got his attention.He swung around so fast that Abby nearly ran right into him.She quickly jumped back and looked up into his dark eyes.

"Talk about this!What part exactly do you want to talk about?The part where I nearly lost my job or... oh I know, how about the other night.Let's talk about that.Let's discuss your ideas of being alone.There's A, my way, you go home to your empty bed and try to sleep.Then there's B, your way, you tell your unsuspecting boyfriend that you're going home to be alone but what you really do is go off to sleep with another man!"Abby's already wounded heart broke as the full force of his every word struck her strait in the heart.She knew she deserved every word said, in fact she deserved much worse then the pain they caused.

"I'm sorry Luka."He gave a sarcastic laugh that only made Abby hurt even worse.

"You're always sorry.It just doesn't matter.No matter how sorry you may be you still did what you did.Your regret, if there really is any, means nothing to me."His voice was low now but it was dead serious."Just stay away from me and stay out of my life."

"Luka please."He just kept walking."I love you."He stopped and turned around ever so slowly till he was facing her again.The anger in his eyes hurt and scared her at the same time.

"I hate you."She hadn't expected that.Out of everything he could have possibly said that was the last thing she'd ever expected to hear.Her heart felt like it was about to shatter.

"You don't mean that.You can't just love someone one day and then hate them the next.It just doesn't happen."She prayed that her reasoning would actually work.She knew it wouldn't.His eyes only grew more furious and he began making his way back towards her.She suddenly found herself terrified of him.

"You want to know just how much I can hate you."

----

Luka stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Abby flinch and step away from him.The fear in her eyes was heartbreaking and he realized how true her words really had been.He didn't hate her, he could never hate her.He hated what she'd done but he was a long way off from hating her.He had no intentions of hitting her or physically harming her in any way.He could never do something like that to her.Still, it was clear that's exactly what she'd thought he was just about to do.He shook his head sadly and looked down into her frightful eyes.

"I would never hurt you Abby."The double meaning there was evident.While she may have hurt him, he'd never hurt her.

--------------------

Abby was certain that everybody in the ER was watching her as she stepped back in through the emergency doors.She had no idea how she was going to bring herself to continue working in this place.She was glad that the ER mostly kept its gossip in the ER.At least she knew the entire hospital wouldn't know her as the ER slut.Nonetheless a transfer to another hospital might still be warranted.

"Hey."Abby looked up and found Dave staring down at her.Oh, great.

"What do you want Dave?"He looked at her confused.

"There's a patient in 3 that needs a nurse."A nurse?She gave Dave her best skeptical look.There's no way he's not going to hassle her about this whole situation.He had to.He wouldn't be Dave Malucci if he didn't.

"Okay, I'll go there now."Abby headed down the hall.To her irritation Dave followed immediately beside her.

"So, I heard that Kovac got canned."It begins.

"He was suspended.That's all and it's none of your business.Do you have the chart on that patient?"She looked at him irritated and he handed her the chart that was in his hands.

"Come on, let me in on the secret.Really what happed?Why'd he attack Carter?"Abby looked over at him unbelieving.He really didn't know.

"Like you don't already know."Dave shook his head innocently.

"No, really, I don't.Nobody does.What happened?You gotta let me know Abby."He gave her what Abby suspected was his most conniving smile.Abby sighed and walked into the exam room her and Dave had just arrived at.

"Like I said, it's none of your business.It's between Carter, Luka, and me."Abby immediately cringed when she realized her mistake.

"So, you are involved?Hmm, this has got to be interesting."Abby tried to ignore his comment and smiled over at the patient setting on the gurney inside the room.

"Hello Mrs. Lee.I'm nurse Lockhart."

--------------------

Luka slammed the door shut to his hotel room a little harder then necessary and immediately walked over to a small closet in the room.He'd already checked out of the hotel.Now all he had to do was pack and leave.He grabbed a suitcase out of the closet and headed for the dresser.He'd decided while heading back from the hospital that he might as well go to Croatia for the next month.He had no job, no girlfriend, and no reasons to stay here until his suspension was over.Even then he knew he'd be hesitant to come back.

The whole hospital must already know what had happened.The last thing he wanted to do was face the humiliation of going back to work in the ER.They all knew that his girlfriend had saw fit to cheat on him.To make matters worse she had to cheat on him with Carter of all people.Not that that was very surprising.He really should have seen it coming.He'd trusted her though.He'd loved her and as they say, love is blind.What you don't want to see, you will never see.

Shutting his mind off of the idea of going back to work and blocking his emotions Luka concentrated solely on packing up his belongings. He had a strong urge to get out of Chicago.To get far away from Abby, to get away from the hurt and pain she'd caused him.A part of him knew though that he could travel to the stars and the feelings would all still be with him.Abby would still be with him.

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**End** of Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** I am so sorry it took me so long to get this up.I'm also sorry that there's not more to it.I've been out of state visiting family and when I finally got back almost a week ago now I just couldn't get myself back into the story.Or any story at that.I will continue to write and hopefully my inspiration will come back soon.I am working hard on trying to figure out how to continue this story but as it turns out I have very few middle ideas.I've always known the beginning and I know how it will end but the middle is somewhat unclear.Anyhow please be patient with me, I will finish it somehow, someday. :)

**Disclaimer: **The above was a story of fan fiction based on characters created and owned by Michael Crichton and NBC.


	4. Chapter 4

W h a t T h e H e a r t L e a v e s B e h i n d

**W h a tT h eH e a r tL e a v e sB e h i n d**

B yA b i l e n eK e e g a n

**~ 4 ~**

** **

** **

_"I never made you unhappy, depressed and miserable, you did that all by yourself."_The words echoed through Abby's memory.A reminder of how right her ex husband could sometimes be.She had done this all to herself.She had repeated the same mistakes she'd made before.She had once again wallowed in everything wrong in her life.Ignoring everything that was right in her life.Luka was right.Being with him had always just felt right.Like she belonged with him.She'd ignored those feelings though.Not letting herself feel that which could make her happy.Instead she focused on everything that made her miserable.She was good at that.In fact somewhere in her subconscious the reemergence of her mother had probably thrilled her.It gave her something else to focus on.Something negative.

She took full advantage of the situation.She'd wined about her childhood all over again. Despite the fact that it was over and done with.And nothing she or her mother said would ever make things different.She again bitched about her mother not taking her medication and told Maggie that on count of it she wanted her to leave.All the while she should have simply been helping Maggie.Talking things over and trying to figure out why exactly she wouldn't take the meds and see what she could do about getting her to take them again.In the end that had, after all, pretty much been the conclusion of things between them.But if she hadn't made things more difficult then she wouldn't have had something to feel depressed about.For once in her life she might have actually been forced to focus on the good.And she couldn't have that.

She didn't know exactly what had happened to Luka's family.But she knew that whatever it was it was a great tragedy.One that he had had to live through.One that he'd never forget.That is why she didn't talk to him much about her feelings and her situation with her mother.Why she'd never told him about her marriage and what had led her to drinking.She was honestly afraid he'd laugh at her.He had been through so much and still managed to lead a normal life.He never focused on only the negativity in his life.And if either of them had a right to she was certain it was he.How could he ever understand how she could possibly feel so miserable about her measly problems when his own problems, far greater then hers, he'd managed to surpass?She didn't even understand.

"Abby?"Abby looked up from her cup of coffee and in the direction of the voice.It was Weaver.She already knew that much before her eyes finally landed on the ER chief.Abby began to stand up, pretending to be going back to work, but Kerry's hand motioned her back down."How you doing?"

Abby was most surprised by the question.Shouldn't these people all hate her?Shouldn't they be viewing her as a slut and a betrayer?Nobody that was aware of the situation should be asking her how she is doing.And she now knew that Kerry was one of a few people who knew what had occurred between her and Carter.She'd been the one who'd had to tell her.It hadn't been an easy thing to do either but it had been most necessary.

"I'm fine."Abby spoke the words rapidly and uninterestingly, trying to get the point across that she didn't feel anybody should be asking her that question.Quickly she rushed into a more important issue."Look Dr. Weaver I want to thank you for taking real consideration in why Luka really hit Carter."Kerry walked over and sat across from Abby at the lounge table.

"To be honest attacking another doctor the way Luka did would have gotten anybody fired but especially a member of the senior staff."Abby was about to make another excuse for Luka, thinking that perhaps one was needed, but Kerry quickly continued."But we realized it was a personal situation and had it occurred anywhere else then we wouldn't have done anything about it.Truth is he still should have been fired cause it did happen here but I realize that it's more in part to you that this all took place at the hospital."Abby looked down at her hands suddenly feeling like a child being scolded for doing a bad deed.

"I'm sorry Dr. Weaver."Kerry was already shaking her head.

"I'm not asking for an apology Abby.I realize that professional lives her in the ER always tend to mix with personal.I'm going to be honest with you, you and Luka's relationship has been one of the most discreet as far as working together goes.You've both done a good job at keeping your personal relationship separate from your professional relationship.Now, as violent as the sudden emergence of those two relationships may have been, I still felt it did not warrant his being fired over the first and so far only incident ever to involve his personal life.He's a good doctor and firing him would have been wrong."Kerry began to stand up, apparently having said all she felt needed to be said."But for now on Abby do keep personal things away from professional."Kerry stopped at the door and turned back to say one more thing."If you do need someone to talk to I'd be happy to lend an ear."

"Thanks Dr. Weaver."Abby smiled up at her boss."For everything."

--------------------

Carter stood in the doorway of his achingly empty bedroom.His eyes were transfixed on the form of his bed.Due to the darkness he could barely make it out.He was relived.He didn't really want to see it.The mental image he had was enough.Funny thing was what he was most thinking about was not the night before when he had made love to Abby but this morning when he had woken up with Abby in his arms.It had been waking up to everything he had ever wanted.

He'd known for a while now that he was in love with her.After all how could he not have fallen in love with her?She was wonderful, she was beautiful, she was smart, she was everything he could want in someone.The fact that she had so many problems of her own had only drawn Carter even closer to her.It had made him feel even deeper for her.She wasn't perfect, she was just like him.She had had a bad childhood and also she had had an addiction.She was so much like him that his need to help her had been so very strong.In turn he knew that he'd also be helping himself.They were healing each other.They were so much alike.

What she saw in Luka remained a mystery to Carter.All he ever saw between them was... well, nothing.They didn't appear to have much of a relationship at all.He could, and probably would have, assumed that they were both just very good about being discreet if it weren't for Abby's own actions and apparent emotions.To Carter Abby always appeared miserable and she never failed to confirm this emotion by talking with him about her problems.She'd always opened herself up fully to Carter, she'd always told him everything, and he loved that.She wasn't afraid to go to him.She wasn't afraid to open herself up to him.To reveal her every emotion.By this fact alone Carter knew that she didn't have much of a loquacious relationship with Luka.So what did she have with him?

Carter mentally shook his head, deciding for now he didn't really care.He walked slowly over to his bed and began pulling off the covers and sheets.The emptiness of the room was already strong enough, last thing he needed was to lie down in a bed that smelled just like Abby.He missed her deeply.He wished she were there.He loved her.He only wished someday she might realize she loved him too.

--------------------

Luka stared out the small window beside his seat and watched as the lines on the runway began rapidly rushing by as the plane grew in momentum.He was glad that it was dark out.The darkness always seemed a better place to wallow in ones misery.For some reason being miserable in the daylight just didn't seem to quite fit. Mourning was definitely made to be done at night.

And he was mourning.For he knew a part of his life was over.He had lost yet another true love.Only this time the loss had brought with it a whole new feeling.One he had never known before.Betrayal.Nobody he'd ever been with had ever cheated on him before.Not that, unless it had been his wife, it would have mattered.Betrayal was being unfaithful.Therefore you could feel betrayed only if the betrayer was someone you felt faith in.He'd only felt such an emotion for two women in his life.One he knew for certain had never cheated on him.The other one he couldn't understand why she had.

He loved Abby.She had to have known that before.How could she not?He was still with her wasn't he?Despite how frustrating she could be at times, he'd stuck with her.Despite that fact that she wouldn't talk to him and instead constantly found solace in another man, he had stayed with her.Of course was it truly her felt that she had to go to Carter all this time for comfort?He had never really tried very hard at getting her to open up to him.In fact he'd never tried at all.He'd been far too wrapped up in his own problems.Problems he also wouldn't share with her.If he wouldn't share his own problems then it was not wonder she never talked to him.She must no doubt feel like he didn't want to hear about her troubles.

Luka now had to wonder why she'd stayed with him at all.Carter clearly listened to her.He helped her and he comforted her.Luka had failed to do any of that for her.Could he really blame her for cheating on him?If she loved Carter then he supposed a part of him would understand.But she said she loved him and if that were true then she had no right doing what she'd done.She could have at least had the dignity to end things with him first.Didn't he deserve at least that much from her, despite how terrible he might have been to her during their relationship?He felt he did.

Luka watched the ground growing further and further away till his window was a view of nothing but darkness.The darkness was a perfect likeness to his heart.He was miserable, sad and alone.And despite everything she'd put him through, despite the fact that these feelings were all due solely to her, he already missed Abby.

--------------------

Abby stared at the empty spot beside her bed thinking only of the person that should be lying there.She missed him terribly.She wished desperately that he were with her.That his arms were around her.She knew she'd never have either again.A tear fell from her cheek and landed on her pillow.She looked down to where it had landed.As her vision began to blear with more tears her mind wondered to where this had all begun . . .

-- ------------------

**End** of Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Cool, things are actually starting to come together in my mind again.At least for the next few chapters.So it shouldn't be too long till I get them posted.I hope you all liked this chapter a little better then the last.I tried adding more emotion, cause obviously that was needed.Short as it might have been this is the first time I've ever written from Carter's POV.So, I hope I wasn't to off on the character.Specially cause I know I'll have to write from his view again. :)Anyhow, see you all in the next Chapter.(I hope)

**Disclaimer: **The above was a story of fiction based on characters created and owned by Michael Crichton and NBC.


	5. Chapter 5

W h a t T h e H e a r t L e a v e s B e h i n d

**Story Note:** In case you haven't already figured it out this chapter takes place on the night of Abby's betrayal. (As I'll call it.)

**W h a tT h eH e a r tL e a v e sB e h i n d**

B yA b i l e n eK e e g a n

**~ 5 ~**

** **

** **

--------

Hey your glass is empty

it's a hell of a long way home

why don't you let me take you

it's no good to go alone

--------

Abby stared blankly down at the mug in her hands.The words Doc Magoos had once been visible to her now bleared vision.Her mind was on so many things that night that they were all now running together.Making her mind numb and dazed.A movement managed to catch her attention and she looked up just as Carter sat down across from her.

"Hey."The young doctor smiled over at her sweetly and she couldn't help but smile back.She wondered what he could possibly be doing here.She'd figured they wouldn't be talking very much anymore.Of course this was Doc Magoos, a place to eat, perhaps he was just hungry.

"Hi Carter."He gave her a funny look and shook his head with slight laughter.

"I'd really prefer if you'd just call me by my first name.I never did like hearing you call me by such professional standards."Abby took a sip of her coffee trying to ignore how personal his request had sounded.She knew he was going to continue where they'd left off.He wanted a relationship with her.

"Kind of late for coffee isn't it?"He asked her teasingly as he picked up a menu lying at the side of the table.

"Not if I plan on staying up late."Truth was her coffee was already cold and she'd barely touched it.But she did have every intentions of being up most the night.And it wasn't cause she had to work.Her shift had been over for nearly two hours now.She simply had too many things running around in her mind for unconsciousness to have any chance at claiming her tonight.

"And do you?"She looked over at him confused.

"Do I what?"

"Plan on staying up late?"

"Oh, um, I suppose so."Carter nodded and looked down at the menu in his hands.

"Where's Luka?"Abby wondered why he wanted to know.

"At home."She decided not to ask.And apparently he decided he wouldn't delve any further into that subject himself.

"So, you getting anything to eat?"Abby considered the question as she tried to remember the last time she had eaten.She couldn't remember so she nodded her head and reached for another menu lying on the table.

"Yeah, I suppose I should."

"Good idea."Abby laughed.Apparently Carter had become aware of her habit of missing meals, especially when her world was chaotic.

"So, about earlier," Carter began and Abby swallowed deeply.Here we go."I am sorry."She looked up from her menu surprised and found herself looking into Carter's eyes."I shouldn't have walked away like that and I shouldn't have turned you away like that.So, if you still need someone to talk to then I'm here to listen."Abby nodded but said nothing, only continued looking over the menu.She knew that both her and Carter had been here so many times that they probably both knew the menu by heart.Still it was a good distraction.

"Can I take your order?"Abby looked up and found an unfamiliar waitress standing beside their table.Good, she didn't feel much like making small talk with a waitress they knew.Both her and Carter ordered and suddenly they had no more distractions, as the menus were no longer needed.

"You going back to med school?"Carter finally broke the silence by asking a question Abby didn't want to think about.She knew she'd have to eventually though, might as well be now.

"I don't know."

"Do you want to go back?"There he goes again, getting into what she didn't want to face.

"I don't know."

"Why not?Don't you want to be a doctor?"Abby looked down at her hands folded on the table.Did she?

"There was a time that that was all I wanted to be.Then I was a third year med student and everything seemed so impossible and I was always afraid that I was going to kill somebody.I even almost did a couple times.Then I was a nurse again and everything was so much easier.I'm not the doctor and the patients didn't depend on me to save their lives.I don't know if I can go back.I kind of like where I am."

"Because it's easier?"Abby looked up quickly.Had he just insulted her?

"Because I'm not liable to kill anybody."She defended herself sternly.Carter's gentle smile put her back at ease.He wasn't insulting her he was only trying to help her.

"I'd think it a shame if you didn't go back.The medical community will miss out."Abby laughed.

"Yeah right.I'm sure there are plenty of fine med students out there that are much more qualified to be doctors then I am.I don't think the medical community is missing out on anything other then maybe a few malpractice lawsuits."

"That's why you messed up."He was more serious now she could easily tell.His facial expression had totally changed.

"What?"

"That's why you messed up as a med student.Because you let yourself be too nervous.You just got to learn to relax while not relaxing too much."

"Oh, yeah, that's possible."She spoke sarcastically as their food arrived.

"It is and you'll understand once you go back."Abby decided not to comment on the fact that she hadn't decided to go back yet.Instead she paid attention to the food that was being served them.A good time to change the subject.Or to just eat and not have to talk to him anymore about anything.

Her thoughts seemed to have been his as their meal went over in complete silence.The bliss didn't last nearly long enough though.

"Abby about earlier today-" She cut him off before he could go anywhere else with this.

"John I really should be going.It's late."She stood up and reached for her jacket.

"Abby please can't we at least talk about this?"

"About what?"She looked into his eyes.They were sad and somewhat pleading."John I'm seeing Luka.You know that."

"Do you love him?"The very question Abby had been asking herself before his arrive at the restaurant.She sat back down.

"Yeah, I think I do."

"Does he love you?"Abby was sure the answer to that was no.She had always been sure of that.In fact she'd promised herself from the beginning that she wouldn't get too close to him.Cause if she did it would only cause her pain because Luka would never love her back.

"I don't know.But as long as I can keep living in this fantasy world with him and thinking that maybe he does then I'm going to."A tear slipped down her cheek and Carter reached across the table and gently wiped it away.

"Even if it means only more pain in the end.And even now."She looked into his eyes and the kindness there made her want nothing more then to open up to him.To tell him everything.To cry on his shoulder.To ask him for help.To take his help.

"I don't know what to do."More tears were falling now and she lowered her head desperately trying to wipe them away.She didn't want to gain anybody's attention.Carter seemed to read her mind, as he sometimes did.

"Let me take you home.We can talk."He reached out again and gently raised her chin so that she was forced to look into his eyes."Okay?"His voice was gentle and very kind.He was being everything she needed right now.

"Can we go to your place?"His expression made her jump forward and quickly explain herself."I told Luka that I needed to be alone tonight to think but just in case he still went to my place, or goes there later, I don't want him getting the wrong idea."Carter nodded.And so the two of them left Doc Magoos and headed for his place.

--------

I never would have opened up

but you seemed so real to me

after all the bullshit I've heard

it's refreshing not to see 

I don't have to pretend

--------

--------- -----------

--------

Don't tell me I haven't been good to you

don't tell me I have never been there for you

don't tell me why

nothing is good enough

--------

Abby sat on the couch beside Carter trying to figure out why she'd come here.She really shouldn't have.She should be at home or with Luka.Being here just felt wrong somehow.Like she was betraying him by simply sitting on this couch.She also felt that by having come her she was leading Carter on.Making him think that they might very well have something she knew they'd never have.

"John."

"Abby."They both began at the same time.Abby looked over at Carter and the two laughed.After only a few seconds had passed his expression changed back to being serious.

"Why do you love him Abby?"His question threw her off.She hadn't expected it or anything similar to it. Carter never wanted to talk about Luka but he especially had never wanted to talk about her feelings for him.Why was he suddenly asking her all these questions?

"Why does anybody love anybody?"It was the only thing she could come up with.And it made perfect sense to her cause she really didn't know why.She struggled to see how anybody could ever truly understand why they were in love.

"I just don't get it.You have these feelings for him but you have no feelings for me.Yet I am the one you come to whenever you need to talk.Do you even talk to him at all?"His words had been on the very verge of anger.John stood up and walked over to stand beside a window in the room.He was still facing Abby, looking at her questioningly.Demanding an answer.

"I never said I don't have feelings for you John."Abby protested.After all that was true, she had neither confirmed nor denied any feelings towards him whatsoever.

"So do you?"His voice was still heated.

"Do I what?"

"Don't play dumb Abby.Do you have feelings for me?"Abby looked down at her hands.She didn't know how to explain how she felt about him.She wasn't sure herself.She knew she wasn't in love with Carter.She loved him but it just wasn't that kind of love.Should she tell him that?

"I don't really know John.I don't know for sure how I feel about either you or Luka." 

"It's funny how that works.You don't know how you feel about either of us yet it is still him you continue to date.Despite the fact that he's never been there for you.He's never helped you when you need him.It's always me that you go to because he's too much of a jerk to listen to you."Every last word had come as a great surprise to Abby.Carter really was angry.She didn't blame him.Still the way he'd just talked about Luka made her angry.Luka wasn't like that, he didn't just ignore Abby's feelings.

"You're not such a God sent yourself Carter.There have been times that you haven't been around.There have been times that I couldn't talk to you."Carter jumped right back in.

"Name one."She looked at him surprised."Abby, name one time that I have not been around when you needed to talk.And then name one time that he has been."Abby couldn't.There was no such time.Carter had always been there.Luka had never been there.

--------

it's not the wind that cracked your shoulder

and threw you to the ground

who's there that makes you so afraid

you're shaken to the bone

and I don't understand

you deserve so much more then this

--------

Abby found herself trembling as tears fell from her eyes.She felt Carter's arms wrap around her tightly and gratefully leaned into his embrace.

"You're right.He doesn't love me.How could he?He's never even been around when I needed him."

"Abby just because he might not be in love with you doesn't mean he doesn't care."His words were soothing.Abby knew that's all they were meant to be.Carter knew that Luka meant a lot to her and so he was simply trying to assure her that she didn't necessarily mean nothing to him."Maybe you two are just better suited as friends.Maybe Luka's just not ready for a relationship."Abby thought about this for a few moments before replying.

"Maybe your right but I really shouldn't blame him for all of this either.I've never really been around for him.And he's been through so much in his life that I'm sure he just doesn't want to be bombarded with my messed up life as well as his own.I don't really blame him for not being around.How can he know that I need him if I don't tell him?And I never tell him anything.I just-"

"Abby," Carter interrupted her and she lifted her head from its resting place on his chest.

"What?"Their eyes locked and she saw many emotions staring right back at her.

"Don't.Don't make excuses for him because I don't want to hear them.If you make excuses for him then it means that you forgive him.He doesn't treat you right Abby and you got to know that.Your deserve so much better.You deserve someone who will love you.

"It gets so lonely waiting for that someone.And I know I love him.I really do know it.I'm happy with him for the most part.The only parts I'm not happy with I can-"

"Go to me for."Abby was stunned.She wasn't going to say that but it was exactly the truth.It's exactly what she'd been doing all this time.What her relationship with Luka lacked she made up with by going to Carter.Neither one of them deserved that.Not her, not Luka, and certainly not Carter.

"If it's love you are looking for Abby.Then you've found it."A tear slipped down her check.She was about to back out of his arms.She didn't like where this was going.It was too late.He was leaning in closer."I love you."His lips met hers.

--------

So don't tell me why

he's never been good to you

don't tell me why

he's never been there for you

don't you know that why

is simply not good enough

--------

--------------------

Somehow they had made it into Carter's bedroom. Still both holding each other and kissing passionately.Abby had considered the excuse that she was just being swept away in the moment.That the emotions were all too much and clouding her judgment.Truth was she knew exactly what she was doing and what she was about to do.

The emotions were indeed too much.She knew Luka would never love her.She also knew that Carter did love her.She had a chance with Carter.A chance to be happy.To be with somebody that would love her.Somebody that would always love her no matter her faults.And right now she really needed that.So while she knew this was still the wrong thing to do she desperately needed the release that it would bring.The escape.

She felt Carter lower her to the bed and made no attempts to stop him... either then or later.

--------

so just let me try

and I will be good to you

just let me try

and I will be there for you

I'll show you why

You're so much more then good enough...

--------

--------------------

**End **of Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **The above was a story of fiction based on characters created and owned by Michael Crichton and NBC.

**Disclaimer Two: **The lyric excerpts where taken from the song "Good Enough" by Sarah McLachlan.Please note that the entire song was not used above.


	6. Chapter 6

NOTE: The conversations that take place between Luka and his family should obviously be in Croatian. I'm going to take a wild guess though and say that most of you don't know Croatian, and since I defiantly do not know that language everything will be written in English. So, as you read try real hard to pretend that they are speaking another language that isn't actually English. -- I created Luka's family for this chapter and future chapters and they will no doubt be put to shame when in some future episode NBC decides to let us know more about Luka. :)  
  
W h a t T h e H e a r t L e a v e s B e h i n d  
B y A b i l e n e K e e g a n  
  
~ 6 ~  
  
  
- - - - - - - - -  
You put pressure on me  
Anyway you wanted me  
I was there for you undeniably  
Time over and time again  
You shut me out  
I thought I was your man  
I kept it real with you  
But you was fake with me  
- - - - - - - - -  
  
Luka was beginning to realize how predictable life truly was, at least for him. The pages kept on turning, one turmoil after another. One heartache ends just in time for another to begin. His family was finally behind him, a distant memory of a life gone horribly wrong, but behind him nonetheless. He had hoped that he'd finally be able to move on. To start a new life, someday a new family. He had hoped, with all his heart, to do that with Abby. It was clear now that was not what she wanted.  
  
Did she love Carter? If she did then Luka knew that somehow he'd be able to forgive her. He'd even attempt to remain friends with her. After all he knew better then anybody that you can't help who you fall in love with. Yet the sting of her betrayal would always be there. A constant ache at the back of his heart. If she were in love with Carter, then she most certainly should have gone about this all in a totally different fashion. Instead of cheating on him she could have simply explained her predicament. He certainly would have understood any explanation more then he understood this, her sudden betrayal of his love and his trust.  
  
He'd always been there for her. Maybe not at first, but recently he had always been there ready to support her and comfort her in any way she needed. At first though he had had so many monsters of his own that desperately needed to be taken care of. He hadn't paid her much attention and maybe that fact would always remain to haunt him. She'd learned to go to Carter in those times and now it was like she just couldn't go to him. She continued to shut him out on every level emotional.  
  
She had told him that she loved him. He'd almost missed it as he walked off of the roof that day but she'd said the words and he had heard them clearly. If she had been truthful, if she truly loved him, then why would she have slept with Carter? It just didn't make sense to Luka. He couldn't understand it. It was confusing to the point that he almost wished she'd never said those three words to him. Things would make a lot more sense if she hadn't. His justification of her being in love with Carter just didn't add up in light to the fact that she'd claimed to love him.  
  
Was this love? Were they in love? Luka just didn't know anymore.  
  
Luka felt the atmosphere around him change and recognized the feeling immediately. He looked over and watched as a dark haired woman sat down on the bench beside him. He smiled at her and she smiled back. He had known, ever since his arrival in Croatia two weeks ago, that this moment would eventually come. Still, he hadn't managed to come up with an explanation for anything.  
  
"So, who was she?" Luka looked back out over the ocean before him. A peaceful view and much more beautiful then the polluted lake he was used to seeing back in Chicago.  
  
"Doesn't matter, it's over. I'm over her." Luka knew that his sister-in-law would not believe this lie. Still he decided to try it anyhow, hoping perhaps she'd at least drop the subject. She did not.  
  
"If that were true then you wouldn't be as miserable as you've obviously been these past few weeks. In fact, I have a feeling, you wouldn't even be in Croatia at all." Luka stayed silent. Neither confirming nor denying anything.  
  
"Look Luka, you show up here unannounced claiming just to have come as a visit but you've barley been spending time with anyone. And when you do it's like you're not really there but off in space somewhere. I think it's time you talk to somebody about why you're really here."  
  
"Valerija, it's... complicated." He knew that wouldn't work either.  
  
"So tell me anyways. We've always been good friends Luka, you can tell me anything." And that was true. Before he'd met Danijela and before his brother had been introduced to Valerija he'd been dating her. A romance that would end quickly leaving them as good friends and eventually in-laws.  
  
"Her name's Abby."  
  
"She's American?"  
  
"Yeah," Luka half-laughed. "You don't meet very many Croatian woman in America."  
  
"Do you love her?" Valerija asked him softly.  
  
"More then I thought possible."  
  
"Did she dump you?" She questioned.  
  
"Not really." He answered.  
  
"Then why aren't you with her?" Luka looked over at Valerija and found that he really did want to share this with somebody.  
  
"She cheated on me." He watched understanding quickly enter Valerija's eyes and then turned back to the ocean, not wanting to see her next emotion. Pity.  
  
"I'm sorry Luka. I had no idea." Her voice had softened, taking on a sympathetic tone.  
  
"You know it's not even about the sex. If it were then it wouldn't hurt this much. But she went to him for comfort. She always goes to him for comfort. Never me, just him. I just don't understand that. Why can't she turn to me? Have I been that terrible to her?" Luka didn't know why he was suddenly being so open but he just didn't want to hold it back anymore. He needed to get these feeling out of him or he feared they'd totally consume him.  
  
"I take it you know this man that she had the affair with?" Valerija asked.  
  
"Yeah, I know him. Had a little run in with him at the hospital right after she told me about... I hit him and got suspended for three weeks."  
  
"So that's why you're really here."  
  
"Yep, turns out you're not allowed to beat up co-workers no matter the situation." He smiled at her softly, though he didn't feel at all cheerful.  
  
"Does she love him?" There was that question again. The one he desperately wanted an answer for.  
  
"I really don't know."  
  
"But you love her." It wasn't a question just a confirmation of his earlier statement. Still Luka nodded his head. "Then go back to Chicago and find her. Tell her you love her and try and work things out. If it's making you this unhappy then you've got to try and do something about it. You can't just ignore it. Who knows maybe she's feeling just as miserable as you are."  
  
"I doubt that." Luka answered scornfully.  
  
"But maybe she is. Maybe she cheated on you because..." As Valerija's voice trailed Luka looked at her sarcastically waiting for her explanation of why Abby would possibly cheat on him. "I'm sure she had her reasons Luka, wrong as they may be, I'm sure they're there. And if she does love you then she's probably feeling very scared right now. Scared that she's destroyed her whole world." Luka stood up and walked closer to the water.  
  
"Well whatever part I had to do in that world she has destroyed. I'm not going back there. I'm can't forgive her. She just hurt me too much this time."  
  
"Well you'll have to go back in a week right. I mean you start work again in one week and then you'll have to see her eventually." Luka turned around and faced Valerija. The look on his face told her everything.  
  
"You are going back aren't you Luka?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
- - - - - - - - -  
As I close my eyes  
I start thinking things  
Is this love real love  
And all that it brings  
When I close my eyes  
Only you I see  
With another man  
This is killing me  
- - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
End of Chapter 5  
  
Author's Note: Please, if you are still reading this series then let me know. If you are then I promise I'll try and get more chapters up and, hopefully, more quickly.  
Important: I need reviews! :( If I don't get them then I don't have as much ambition to continue writing. So, please review.  
Disclaimer: The above was a story of fiction based on characters created and owned by Michael Crichton, NBC and Warner Bros.  
Disclaimer Two: Lyrics are from the song "Only When Ur Lonely" by Ginuwine. The entire song is not used above, obviously.  



	7. Chapter 7

W h a t T h e H e a r t L e a v e s B e h i n d

**W h a tT h eH e a r tL e a v e sB e h i n d**

B yA b i l e n eK e e g a n

**~ 7 ~**

** **

** **

Abby could feel it the second she stepped up to the door.The emptiness, the abandonment.He wasn't here.She knew that without having to knock on the door and have it confirmed.She'd come here in the hopes that perhaps, after two weeks, Luka would at least listen to her.That he might let her explain things a little better.She knew now that there was no hope of that.Because he wasn't here.

She had decided against calling first, knowing he'd never talk to her over the phone.She also hadn't even considered asking the desk clerk whether or not he was still staying at this hotel.Why wouldn't he be?She hadn't even considered till now that he'd have left.Left without saying a thing to her.

Abby hesitantly reached up and knocked on the door.In her heart she knew that if there were an answer it would be from someone she didn't even know.Luka was gone.She wondered how long ago he'd left.Where had he gone to?

"Can I help you?"Abby looked over as an elderly man approached her position in front of the door.

"Is this your room?"She asked him already knowing the answer.

"Why yes, it is."He took out a key card from his pocket, one that Abby knew would unlock the door and let him in."Were you looking for somebody?"

Abby faked a smile and nodded her head."Yes, I guess he must have moved on.Sorry to have bothered you."

"No bother."The man began but Abby was already headed down the hallway towards the elevator.Her heart was breaking.She needed to see Luka, more now then ever before.She felt the overwhelming urge to find him and assure him that Carter really didn't mean anything to her.That she didn't love Carter she loved him.Abby had a sinking feeling in her stomach.One that said she was about to lose the most important part of her life.

--------------------

Abby walked into the ER and for the first time didn't care what everyone around her was thinking.The rumors were still persistent.Everyone talking about what had happened between her, Luka and Carter while none of them really knowing what had happened.Still they sure liked to talk about it.They pretended as if nothing was different when she was around.As if none of them realized the sudden absence of Luka Kovac.But the second they thought she was out of ear shot all the gossiping started over again.

It was really obvious what had happened.Luka hit Carter, Carter and Abby no longer talking.Didn't take a genius to figure out she'd slept with him.She'd even heard some speculate to the possibility while others, foolishly, stood up for her saying 'Abby Lockhart would never do something like that'.Yes, Abby thought, at one point she would have said the very same thing about herself.

Abby pushed open the lounge door and stepped inside.She wanted to go home.Her emotional state had been so severely attacked in these past few weeks alone that it was doing damage to her physical state as well.Though it was only three in the afternoon she felt exhausted and ready to collapse.

She needed somebody to talk to.For the first time in her life she truly wished that she had a good girlfriend relationship with someone, anyone.If she had had that then perhaps none of this would have happened in the first place.She wouldn't have needed to rely on Carter for support and therefore she wouldn't have slept with him.Of course, Abby realized, if she'd just gone to Luka and talked with him about her fears then she'd be with him still.

Abby had told Carter that Luka had never been there for her.She knew that wasn't true.He'd been there and he would have been there for her that fateful night two weeks ago if she'd just gone to him.She knew that Luka cared about her.She even knew now that he loved her.What she didn't know is why she couldn't, or wouldn't, accept this love.In her heart she knew that having an emotionally deep relationship with Luka Kovac could be the best thing to happen to her.The thing that would pull her out of this self made room of pity.

As Abby pulled her pink coat out of her locker and turned back around, slamming the locker harder then needed, she realized she wasn't alone in the room.Across from her Carter stood fixing himself a cup of coffee.She looked at him uncertainly and didn't fail to notice his purposeful disregard of her presence in the room.

"Hi, John."She stated almost sadly.She had hurt him so deeply and knew he'd never forgive her.Yet the need to try and make things up between them was strong.

"I was just leaving."Came his only reply as he tossed a plastic spoon into the waist basket and stepped towards the lounge door.

"John could we at least talk?Please."She pleaded with him but he promptly ignored her.

"No."Carter stepped through the door and out of Abby's life.Again.

Abby felt her entire world crumbling down around her for the hundredth time.And she had only herself to blame.She'd destroyed its foundation.

--------------------

Carter stepped out of the lounge and quickly made his way to the stairwell at the back of the ER.He wanted to talk with her.God knows he wanted to talk with her.But he just couldn't bring himself to do it.In his heart he knew it would do him no good.Because the comfort he needed from her he knew she'd never give.So talking with her wasn't going to do him any good at all.

As he climbed the stairs, leading him up to the roof, he could only wonder about one thing.How he was going to get over this one?He'd had his heart broken before but he couldn't remember it ever being quite so painful.He'd always known he shouldn't mess with Abby until her and Luka were broken up and he was certain there was nothing remaining between them.He now knew why he'd made that rule for himself.He only wished he'd kept it.

He crossed the rooftop to stand at the edge of the building.He looked down and watched as an ambulance pulled up to the hospital and opened it's doors to drag out a gurney.He'd always thought that being rushed into some strange hospital after an unexpected accident had got to be the worst thing in the world.He now knew better.He'd whether have been thrown in front of a speeding truck then have his heart broken by Abby.Of course, he should have known this would happen.

Sleeping with her had just been a huge mistake.Even if she had admitted to being in love with him afterwards it still would have been a mistake.Because it was just too soon.They'd been friends for so long and to go from a close friendship to sleeping together that quickly was not right.He shouldn't have allowed it to happen.He should have simply gone with his first plan.To slowly let Abby realize how much he cared about her and that he loved her.But he'd been trying the slow plan for so long he'd just gotten tired of it.He'd needed to be close to her.And he couldn't have gotten any closer.

"John?"He heard her voice soft behind him and closed his eyes briefly preparing himself for the ensuing conversation.But knowing there was no preparation for this.

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Abby waited for him to turn around and face her.She wasn't sure what she was going to say to him.She didn't know how to explain this all to him when she couldn't even explain it to herself.Nonetheless she had very little choice.Even if her and Carter didn't stay as good of friends as they'd been she still had to try.Try to get some kind of relationship back with him.

"Abby," He spoke as he turned around to face her."I really have nothing to say to you."

"Nothing?John two weeks ago I had sex with you and you have nothing to say about it?"She was angry now.Why did he have to keep doing this?It was obvious he couldn't avoid her forever so why couldn't he just talk to her.Tell her what he was really feeling and giver her a chance to try and explain things some more.Why did he have to be such a stubborn jerk about it all?

"Okay Abby.Why did you sleep with me?Why the hell would you sleep with a man that you have no feelings for?Sounds somewhat like something a sl-" Abby stared at him intently the second he cut his sentence off.Her eyes were daring him to continue.To say, to call her, what he'd just been about to call her.He didn't take the bait.Instead his voice lowed some as he asked again simply."Why'd you sleep with me?"

"John I was vulnerable that night.With what you'd said to me earlier.A fight I'd had with Luka.My med school application.It just all got to me finally.You were there and I made a huge mistake."

"Gee, thanks."Carter turned back around to look out over the roof.Abby quickly moved up a few steps so she was standing beside him.She to looked down over the roof and couldn't help but remember that afternoon two weeks ago when, if it hadn't been for Luka, she may have jumped off this very roof.She still wondered if she'd actually have done it.She still believed she would have.

"John it was a mistake because you are my friend and I want you to be my friend.That's all I've ever wanted from you.I'm sorry if I went to cry on your shoulder too many times then was appropriate.I'm sorry for all the times I've hurt you.And if you're in love with me then I'm sorry that happened.I'm sorry you feel that way because I know it's only causing you pain.Because I don't love you, not like that-"

"Not like you love Luka."He cut her off, his statement stern and filled with venom.

"Not like I love Luka."Abby confirmed.It was the only thing she could do.He needed the truth or they'd never get anywhere."I can't help that I fell in love with him and not you.I can't even tell you why it happened.When I first got involved with him I didn't love him.He was barley my friend.Which is why I never went to him to talk but to you because you were my friend and I knew you so well.But I was just getting to know Luka and I didn't want to ruin that or hurt things with him.Even from the start I knew, even if I didn't already have something with him, I could have something with him.I was so afraid of hurting that chance.I was afraid of him finding out who I really am so I went to you instead and I just didn't realize that I'd be hurting things between us.I slept with you that night because, I don't know why I did it.Comfort?Fear?Need?I don't know.I just needed something and I went about it the wrong way and I am sorry."

Abby waited for his response.At this point any response would do.She held back her tears as the moments ticked by.She knew that whatever he said next would confirm whether or not they had any sort of friendship left.One that could be saved.

Just as she knew he was about to say something about four ambulances came around the corner below them, sirens whaling.Almost at the exact moment the ambulances all pulled up to the ER both her and Carters pagers went off.She looked down at hers quickly.'Return to ER, 911'

"Guess we have to go."With that Carter quickly darted across the rooftop and to the large metal door.She waited till after he had disappeared through it till she made her way to the door also.

As Abby made her way back to the ER she had very little hope that the last important person left in her life would be there much longer.

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**End **of Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **The above was a story of fiction based on characters created and owned by Michael Crichton and NBC.


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